What I am is Natural and that is my Pride

I probably knew from a very young age that I was attracted to both girls and boys. The only issue was that I did not think that it was natural until I was an adolescent teenager.

In my opinion, it is instinctual — understanding who you are attracted to, what you like, and what you do not. But for the longest time, I ignored my own instincts which told me that I liked both boys and girls. Not just boys, as society labeled “natural”.

What I have found out in my journey until now is that I am Natural and that is my Pride!

The Beginning

Whenever friends of my sister would come over, the puzzle of my sexual identity would fall into place ever so slightly — yes, they were cute, and not in a hey-you-have-great-hair way.

Of course, this realization did not lead to any actual action on my part. As someone who had recently hit puberty and just wanted to belong, I suppressed my feelings.

I was scared that if the fact that I was bisexual would be revealed, I would be treated very differently, and not in a positive way.

Bollywood and the Problems it brings with it

I still remember when there was a screening of Dostana. I could not watch it for some reason, but my friends did.

They believed that the film was inappropriate, that it was not natural for two guys to be together.

How could I ever hope to tell them about my sexual identity if they held such narrow views after just watching a movie?

It was a question of staying safe versus being discriminated against. I obviously chose the former.

First Relationship — Parents — Society

When I got into a relationship in my first college, none of my friends knew the identity of my partner, who was a girl. My family only ever knew of us as friends.

However, soon enough, rumors started floating about the two of us — both in my campus and in my residential colony. Even the simple act of holding hands in public was something I had to think about twice.

It was not long before my parents heard the rumors. What infuriated me was that even when they spoke to me about it, they told me that they did not believe the rumors, because they knew it could not possibly be true. I was still scared to come out to them, so I agreed with them.

Although I could not help but think of asking my parents — what if the rumors were true? So what if the rumors were true? They were adamant in their refusal to believe that my sexuality could possibly be bisexual. Till today, I have not been able to come out to them. Honestly, I do not know if I want to.

Despite my parents believing and even being told that the rumors were not true, they did face a certain amount of discrimination because of them.

The Director of my institute even went so far as to tell them that I should not spend so much time with her (my ex).

The relationship did not last for long after that.

Dropped out of the College

However, when I dropped out of my old college and joined another one in a new city, I sorely hoped that things would be different.

At first, it seemed like they were. When I came out to my peers, they seemed to be open about it; understanding. However, their subsequent actions said otherwise.

Some of them would behave too touchy, and I am not talking about hugs or platonic gestures.

They would spank my ass or touch my chest, and when I had an object or say anything at all, they would tell me they were just goofing around. Double standards kicked in when I did the same thing and was labeled “gay”.

I remember one such incident with utmost clarity. I believe it is not easy to forget such moments — where you felt like being yourself was not a good thing.

I had just pointed out to a girl that there was a stain on her t-shirt, near her chest. I was immediately asked to stop staring, and mind my own business.

I understand that for many, the college maybe that place, that phase where they experiment with a whole lot of things in the most casual manner — multiple piercings, tattoos, sexual preferences.

External Trauma that comes with the choice

However, some people do not understand the gravity of the situation — the trauma that comes with being anything but heterosexual.

A whole community is treated like it is a joke as if it is not worthy of any respect. Only because we refuse to have our vaginas penetrated by a penis and vice versa.

While I understand that this experimentation may be crucial to understanding exactly where you stand in this now rapidly expanding spectrum, people must also learn to respect the LGBTQIA+ community.

Respecting the community does not only mean sporting rainbow stripes on your face or sharing posts on social media. It starts with changing the little things, unlearning them.

For instance, the use of slangs related to the community. How many times have we uttered the phrases “That is so gay” or “No homo” without once stopping to think of the discrimination, the struggle that ACTUAL homosexual people have to go through because of an essential component of their identity?

Change does not always have to be radical, it can start with the simplest of actions.

I am a Human. Period.

As for me, as of now, I have made the conscious decision to not date anyone. In my opinion, it is the wrong place and the wrong time for that.

The thought of revealing my identity to people is frightening because many of them do not understand it.

I made some of my closest friends in my previous college. However, even they did not know about my sexuality. I often felt strange, being so close to them and simultaneously hiding something so intrinsic about myself.

Every time I would think of coming out to them, I would end up feeling anxious and eventually succumb to panic attacks.

However, when I told them a year later, I was in for a pleasant surprise. They were open about it and accepted me for who I was wholehearted.

The acceptance of one set of peers has definitely boosted my morale, but I believe my journey is still far from over.

I tried to own my sexuality more, be more confident about it when I changed colleges two years ago.

Even before others accept me, accepting myself first, owning my sexuality completely is what matters to me the most.

Until I start thinking of my identity as natural, and not something that is unreal, how can I ever hope for others to think in the same way?

Yes, I am bisexual. No, not heterosexual. I am not just attracted to boys, as society thinks should be the case with girls. I am attracted to both girls and boys. That is who I am, and what I am is natural

Originally published at Self First.